HAPPY DEATH DAY, HONEY

No matter how you look at life, it will always be unfair.  At this point where I am already realizing my worth and starting to put myself first before other not so-important people, problems like accidents and failures suddenly pour.  Why does it have to be like this all the time?

Today, I somehow think, marks my death day. Yey! Happy death day to me!  Why? Well, if you could just see the Personal Corner I made in my room this morning, you won’t agree with me. BUT, a day is way long enough to turn your whole life a 180 degrees. Aside from tolerating my lola’s incurable insanity for a good half day, other unwanted things happened due to my great stupidity. Since early this evening, a severe acid reflux has been torturing me as a result of me forgetting that coffee doesn’t really add much wonder to my health (and overall lifestyle as well). Can you blame me? I could afford only a glass of iced coffee as a snack while I was in LB this afternoon due to the reason that I cut my budget so that I’ll be able to settle thousands (eight is plural right?) of debts.  Acid reflux isn’t fatal, is it? But wait, there’s more. Just see what happened next. A few minutes ago before I came to the idea of writing this random stuff (which can also serve as a drama-maker in my burial), my cute, not-yet-vaccinated-with-anti-rabies puppy accidentally scratched the side of my nose with one of his fangs.  Now, you connect the dots.

What are the odds that on the 10^th of January in the year 2019, I will experience all of this stuff?  I helped my mother find a source of cash for her to be able to pay her bills which are due first thing in the morning tomorrow! How could I deserve all of this? I am just starting to know that I do exist and that I have a self to take very good care of.  Can’t the universe just conspire to my plans of starting this year right and clean slate? Do I repel good luck this much? Is good karma not my thing?

I stand a good 5’2” but I weigh around 70kg, surprisingly. Yes, I am not this society’s epitome of sexy and beauty. I am just an insignificant, fat, ugly, piggy girl who cares a lot for other people and cares less for herself.  The point is, if Feng Shui is really relevant, then I should be lucky this year! Very, very lucky since it’s the year of the earth pig! It’s my year.  How come that on the 10^th day of this year, I am already getting all these disasters? You should see my facial expressions RN. Priceless.

So I was here, rolling my eyes while pondering upon the things that happened in just a flash of one day. Like, you see, if you were me, you would feel more or less the same right? If a person has only a limited number of sighs, I won’t be sighing for the rest of my life starting tomorrow because I’ve exhausted my nth sigh already in a span of half an hour.  You see, I’m thinking that how could life be so selfish?  When you’re trying to breathe hope to your own body just to keep yourself barely breathing, that’s the time when destiny will throw shits on you and every little nasty thing gets attracted to you. Just wow. Lucky me, I guess huh? Sigh.

All I can think of at this very moment is that when life fails in making you kill yourself physically, that’s the time when it will give you every hardships you could ever experience and bring it on to you not one by one, but as a whole complete package.  It will make you feel that everything sucks and instead of killing you physically, it makes your insides die: your hope and wishes and enthusiasm in life. In short, it points a gun at the head of your soul and BANG! All the bloody, icky pieces of your brain scatter on the floor, wall, and windows. Clearly, physical dying erases dreams. But so is soul dying. Do you know what the worst part is when your soul dies?  You still need to support your body with its necessities but without dreams.  It’s like living without hoping, wishing, or expecting of a new day that will arrive.  It’s a life wherein you don’t see a future anymore or a change that is still possible to come. It’s like living half-alive, half-dead. You know you’re there but you don’t know what to do, what you need, or what you want. You’re just there, merely existing.

So I think I don’t need to see (or for them to see) more blood on the bed sheets or on the floor by slashing my wrist or to overdose myself with a strong medicine or to hang myself from the ceiling.  Failures caused by stupidity and carelessness and idiocy are way, way enough to kill one’s self.

Can you feel warm air touching your upper lip? What? Are you still alive? No. It is from your nose, you silly! You are just breathing but I know that you already died. Happy death day, honey…